I had a conversation recently which delivered a potent reminder that nobody is perfect. And, that if we’re looking for that perfect person out there, the one who will “complete our life” or be the “perfect boss” or “perfect executive”, he or she simply does not exist. I know this. Everybody probably knows this too, yet we say, most often when we want to defend ourselves of a misdeed, that “nobody’s perfect”, as though it were that cliché of all times that would get us out of taking responsibility for correcting our situation. As a Coach, I acknowledge that from time to time, I too, fall off the wagon. I acknowledge that I made mistakes, and it’s not simply because I accept that I am not perfect, but because I can now understand and accept that nobody is perfect, and it’s not a cliché. It’s a process of self discovery and it’s a very personal thing – we have to embrace that and allow it to happen
The Mind is Always Looking for Trouble
The mind is so busy and is always looking for trouble. Usually the kind of trouble that points towards the mistakes others make and others’ shortcomings, so that we can blame them for our own imperfections. Then begins the process of thinking and overthinking how we can get ourselves out of the spot we got ourselves in – rationalisation, justification and more judging and blaming etc. Everything except taking responsibility for what we might have or have not said or done to cause it in the first place.
So how can we understand and accept that nobody’s perfect, how can things be different?
It’s a package deal
In relationships that are important to us, whether between boss and employee, friends and colleagues, intimate partners or spouses, or parent and child, we take the good with the bad. It’s as simple as that. When we accept that nobody is perfect, we accept a person in all their goodness and that goes for all the things that we consider their imperfections too. We can’t have one without the other. Just as life is indivisible, so too is a person. If the relationship is not important to us, we can also choose to let go or break away. Staying in the relationship means that it’s important enough to us to accept the other person for who they are, imperfections and all and not try to fix them.
Take responsibility for our thoughts, emotions and actions
It’s the only thing we can choose and control – what we think, how we feel and what we do. We may wish and think that we can get another person to change whatever is not perfect about them, whatever we don’t like about them so they can be however we think they should be, but it’s true – we can only change ourselves. When we accept that we ourselves are not perfect, we get off that high horse and admit that we can change something about ourselves and do something about it. Is it possible to stop trying to fix the other person? Yes, when we focus on our own strengths and rise above our own humanity with kindness and compassion.
Manage our expectations of others
Far too often, we put our expectations of others way too high, based on our own standards, values and beliefs. We may be the experts of our own lives, but we will never truly know everything about the other person. He or she is the expert of his or her own life. When we can stop having expectations of how and what they will think, say, feel or do in any situation then they will not fall short and we will have peace in our lives. We will not be disappointed, frustrated or angry when things do not turn out the way we expect them to.
Welcome and allow failure
When we acknowledge that we are not perfect, we allow ourselves the peace and the space to make mistakes, and to fail without judging ourselves as being weak, selfish or just bad. When we accept that we have made a mistake, the mind stops looking for trouble outside ourselves. Similarly, when we acknowledge that another person is not perfect, we allow them the space and opportunity to fail and develop the courage to not let their imperfections affect how we feel about ourselves, nor blame them for how we might feel. We make peace with ourselves and with them.
Rise each time we fall
It’s alright to accept that we’re not perfect as long as we understand that we always have the ability to change something about ourselves and become better – not perfect, but a better human being. As the Japanese proverb goes: Fall seven times, stand up eight. We only lose if we don’t get up and learn something from the fall. Even if it is just to fall better and rise better each time.
“Sorry” is not the cure
Simply saying “sorry” is the easiest way out when we think and feel we have disappointed or hurt someone, yet it is the most inappropriate thing to do. When we just say “sorry” and we expect the other person to say “apology accepted” or “it’s OK, I forgive you” it is to say that we regretted doing whatever it was we did, and the other person, in accepting our apology and forgiving us, pronounces us guilty and then absolves us!
Think about it. It is an unworthy shortcut to us taking responsibility for what we said or did, and also for the other person taking responsibility for how they responded to what we did. If we accept each other as not being perfect, we might try to say, “I’m sorry, I take responsibility for what I said/did.” When we do that, we invite the other person to take responsibility for their reaction. Mind you though, we’re all not perfect, so this might or might not happen, as I’ve come to learn.
Self-Discovery – a Powerful Process
Self-discovery and reflection, if we do it, is usually an inward-looking process that is powerful and rewarding. It can be even more rewarding if we reflect on our relationships with those who are important to us to discover how we might be impacting their lives with what we say and do, and how we might do this better.
Nobody is perfect and once we acknowledge that we give ourselves room to learn, grow and become a better human being impacting others around us in the most positive way.
