At some point in our lives, we are likely to discover that the reason for some of the things we do or do not do in the workplace, socially or at home are due to feelings of unworthiness – feelings of not deserving of someone else’s attention, a reciprocal effort or respect.

When people feel unworthy of themselves it is usually because they get their motivation from the outside – from other people, things and experiences. When things go the way they want it to, it makes them feel good. When things don’t, it makes them feel bad, and usually, unhappy with themselves.

The Unworthiness Syndrome

This is not the result of something that happened yesterday, it is usually the result of years and years of conditioning beginning as far back as our childhood experiences. It happens to the best of us. I believe it’s the default law of nature. We all react to external circumstances because it’s easier.

Because it’s much, much easier to blame our unhappiness on something someone did or did not do, something that happened or did not happen. Because it keeps us in our comfort zone and we feel we don’t need to do anything about it. How can we when we’re not responsible for it? When good things happen or someone does something we expect them to do and it makes us feel happy, we don’t think anything of it because we’re happy – what’s there to worry about? And we think we’re fine. Until the next “unhappy” incident. And so we go through these ups and downs on a daily basis like a yo-yo. And we repeat. It becomes a pattern.

What’s the Real Problem?

When we unwittingly rely on external sources – especially other people – to make us feel happy, we come to expect four things from them: Respect, Reciprocity, Reward and Recognition. And when we don’t get it, we start the spiral by thinking that it’s because we are not good enough for them. It’s a vicious, vicious cycle that only we can break.

How To Change Things

There is a way and that is to understand that we can only control what we do, how we do it, even when we do it. That we can’t control what other people do, how they do it and when they do it. When we can learn to accept that, then we start to become responsible for ourselves – we start to take responsibility for our thoughts, feelings, behaviours and actions.

Everything we do becomes a matter of choice.

We don’t have to do anything. We do it because we want to do it. We choose to do it. And so we don’t expect anything in return. Not respect, reciprocity, reward or recognition. These will follow, because when we act with choice, we act with integrity.

Getting Motivation from the Inside

Choice and integrity are how we begin to change the way think and behave. It is the cornerstone of intrinsic motivation — or self-motivation if you prefer. How can we sustain our behaviour and make this our go-to mindset?

1. Be authentic with yourself: Do everything with intention. When we do something with intention, we do it deliberately and it is the first step towards taking responsibility for our actions.
   
   
2. Decide the outcome you want: Ask yourself “What is the purpose of doing this?” or alternatively, “For what reason am I doing this?” – not “Why am I doing this?” When we do something with purpose, we decide the outcome we want.
   
   
3. Take action: Don’t just think about it, do it. Activate those thoughts. Decide the steps you need to take to achieve the outcome. When you’ve decided to do it, do it – as Mel Robbins, TEDx speaker says – “Do it in the first 5 seconds, otherwise you’ll forget about it and procrastinate.”
   
   
4. Accept the results: Whatever happens or doesn’t happen, accept the results and don’t regret anything. If you get the outcome you wanted, that’s great. Be grateful and move on to the next. If you don’t, discover the lesson and do it better next time. Be grateful. Move on to the next.
   
   
5. Repeat, repeat, repeat!: When you keep repeating steps 1 to 4, you break the pattern of unworthiness and you create a new pattern of thoughts, feelings, behaviours and actions. You transform. And you did it yourself.

And then, watch the magic happen! When you act with intention and purpose, you act from within. You act with integrity. You expect nothing in return. You respect yourself, feel good about yourself, and you create an upward spiral of self-love.

You ARE good enough.

You make you feel happy – not anything or anyone else outside yourself. Respect, reciprocity, reward and recognition may follow. If it doesn’t, so what, you did it for yourself.

What is one thing you practice the six steps with right now? Take one small, simple thing and see what happens.